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about

“I am glad that Joseph Scrimshaw has the power of thought and audible speech, or else this very funny album would not exist.”
-John Hodgman

FLAW FEST is a live comedy album full of fun comedy jokes about horrible human flaws PLUS a bonus album of awesome songs inspired by the comedy show.

The comedy album details all my most entertaining flaws: a sloth driven obsession to play bad James Bond video games, a stubborn need to fight with large animals, the idiocy to drink something called a Watermelon Shooter, the hubris to write a rock n’ roll song about a helium balloon, the mysterious need to watch The Phantom Menace on purpose, and much more. Plus a cameo by my pals Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy of RiffTrax!

The music album features new songs by Paul & Storm, Molly Lewis, Bill Corbett, The Sevateem, John Roderick, John Munson, The Doubleclicks, Kevin Murphy, Mike Phirman, The Dregs, and even me.

The album and the show mean a lot to me. The comedy show was first performed on Jonathan Coulton’s JoCoCruiseCrazy in February of 2013. Huge thanks to Jonathan and all the “Sea Monkeys” for the opportunity and great response.

The musicians on the cruise said nice things about the show and it made me think, “Hey, what if a bunch of musicians wrote songs inspired by the comedy show?”

In May of 2013, we launched a Kickstarter project to fund the recording of the comedy album and pay the musicians to write all the awesome songs. Gargantuan thanks to all who funded the album.

The comedy album was recorded live at The Bryant Lake Bowl in Minneapolis, Minnesota in September of 2013. Ginormous thanks to the staff of the Bryant Lake Bowl, the friendly laughing audiences, and the audience volunteers featured on the final album: my mean eggs wife Katie Sisneros, my big eggs daughter Justin Roggenbuck, and my extra eggs wife Eric Stephen.

Finally, UNFATHOMABLY LARGE thanks to my wife, partner, and co-producer of this album, Sara Stevenson “Wife Head” Scrimshaw.

I hope the comedy and the music makes you laugh, think, rock out, and soft rock out. But more than anything, I hope you'll have fun celebrating the idea that we're all flawed and that's okay. Stupidly, hilariously okay.

A Flawed Thanks,
Joseph Scrimshaw

“Listen, we all have our own ‘I french kissed a bear’ stories.
But Scrimshaw’s is really funny.”
-Jonathan Coulton

credits

released November 5, 2013

Comedy album written and performed by Joseph Scrimshaw.

Music by Paul & Storm, Molly Lewis, Bill Corbett, The Sevateem, John Roderick, John Munson, The Doubleclicks, Kevin Murphy, Mike Phirman, and The Dregs.

Comedy album recorded by Tom Garneau.
Comedy album edited and mixed by Andy Thompson.
Comedy and music album mastered by Greg Reierson.
Recorded live at the Bryant Lake Bowl in Minneapolis.
Cover photo by Craig VanDerSchaegen.
Album artwork designed by Joseph Scrimshaw and Matthew Foster.

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about

Joseph Scrimshaw Los Angeles, California

Joseph Scrimshaw is a comedian, writer, and squirrel enthusiast described by a fan on Twitter as "geek flavored." He’s performed at San Francisco SketchFest, Jonathan Coulton’s JoCoCruiseCrazy, Chicago Improv Festival, Dragon Con, w00tstock, and more. He has a podcast called Obsessed on Feral Audio, a book called Comedy of Doom, and suffers from a horrible addiction to Twitter. ... more

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Track Name: Molly Lewis - Chop Chop
I'm tasked with your assassination
But I don't like confrontation
I would much prefer a quiet hit & run

But at combat I am cruddy
and stabbing gets too bloody
and it isn't sportsmanlike to use a gun

Swords are really not my style
Poison capsules take a while.
Though the interaction's what I mostly dread

But when my hand is at the ready
and my arm is strong and steady
I can chop you in the ass until you're dead

And I'm like CHOP! CHOP!
and the henchmen hit the floor
when I go CHOP! CHOP!
They won't be henching anymore

Doesn't look the best
But it moves me on my quest
Don't act like you're not impressed

You're under orders, and I get that
but I'm bad at making chit chat
It's not personal, you're stationed in my way

I guess I could try to seduce you
But that isn't what I'm used to
And sexy spies are kind of a cliché

I'm not troubled by the killing
But I find I'm less than willing
To avail myself of anybody's gaze

I'm not a brute, I'm not a terrorist
I'm just easily embarrassed
And gunfire only adds to my malaise

So I'm like CHOP CHOP
and the baddies hit the ground
when I'm like CHOP CHOP
And they make the weirdest sound

One part yodel, two parts scream
Yet your partner doesn't seem
To notice that you took one for the team

When I'm like CHOP CHOP
You can't see me when I squat
So I go CHOP CHOP
Might sound sexy, but it's not

There's no technique or grace
When I'm chopping your third base
But I don't want to look you in the face.
Track Name: The Sevateem - No One Can Hear You (When You Crouch)
What would you do to make yourself invisible
Undetectable and invincible
What would you do to hide from your enemy
Sneaking up behind with weaponry

No one can hear you
No one can hear you
No one, No one
No one can hear you

What would it take to make the kill?
Patience, accuracy and skill
The ultimate element of surprise
Crouching down on your thighs

No one can hear you
No one can hear you
No one, No one
No one can hear you

Why would you slouch
Hide behind the couch
No one can hear you when you crouch
Track Name: John Munson - Wife Head
WIFE HEAD
FOLLOWING ME OUT THE DOOR
WIFE HEAD
DANCES OVER MY SHOULDER
I DON'T ALWAYS APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU DO
BUT WORDS YOU SAY WHEN YOU'RE NOT HERE ARE RINGING TRUE
DON'T HOLD IT AGAINST ME, CAN'T ALWAYS LISTEN TO

MY WIFE HEAD

WIFE HEAD
RIDING ON THE PASSENGER SIDE
WIFE HEAD ON MY ROAD AND FREEWAY RIDES
AND WHEN MY VEINS ARE BULGING IN A RIGHTEOUS RAGE
SHE'S THE VOICE OF REASON BABY SHE'S MY SAGE
THE BALMY BREEZE OF SPRING WHEN I'M A HURRICANE
YOU SAVE ME WIFE HEAD

DON'T EVER GET OUT OF THE CAR...SHE SAID

WIFE HEAD
HOW ABOUT ONE MORE GLASS OF WINE
WIFE HEAD
SHE REMEMBERS EACH LAST TIME
THE CRAWLING IN THE YARD UNDER DIM STREET LIGHTS
THE TILES ON MY FACE AND THE SPINNING WHITE
ALL THE MORNINGS AFTER WHEN I'M NOT QUITE RIGHT
COME LOVE ME WIFE HEAD

WIFE HEAD
HOVERS IN THE DARK OF NIGHT
I GAZE INTO THE BRIGHT SCREEN LIGHT
BABY IT'S JUST GEAR PORN, NOT THE REAL THING
I THINK I'VE FOUND SOME GEAR WITH WHICH TO HAVE A FLING
THINK OF ALL THE JOY THIS PILE OF STUFF WILL BRING WE'LL PUT IT…. SOMEWHERE
DON'T WORRY WIFE HEAD
I LOVE YOU WIFE HEAD
Track Name: Mike Phirman - Not This Time (The Kaiju Song)
Mutavore! Kaiju - Category Tres! Bringing you the End Times!

I'm gonna raze that city
I'm gonna raze it to the ground
When I say "raze", you know I mean the "raze" where you don't lift it up
Instead you, you knock it down
Look, never mind.

I'm gonna be a hurricane (with six eyes)
I'm gonna be a big Apocalyptic jerk
I'm gonna do the exact same moves the other kaijus do but this time it's gonna work

It's all in my reach
As I crawl through the breach
You think a wall on the beach can keep me out
The end is nigh
And I'm the ending guy

CHORUS
I know you beat the one before me
You may have won that time
and the time before that
and the time before that
and the time before that
and the time before that
and the time before that (and the time before that)
and the time before that (and the time before that)
and the time before that (and the time before that)
and the time before that (and the time before that)
...BUT NOT THIS TIME

I'm not like all the other ones
They were different
And I'm not
We may have had the same power, same will, same
guts, same claws, same strength, same height, same weight, no weapons, same brain, even same DNA
And the same game plan

The difference is how we are different. Cos I don't have:
My head ripped off
a rocket in my butt
my brains aren't floating in a lobster tank
I still have teeth
My legs aren't gone
I'm not tied down to an aircraft carrier
I can still breathe
I'm not on fire
my ribs aren't a strip mall in Hong Kong
If you thought they were the ones to fear... you were WRONG.

Let's proceed to begin
I'm gonna lead with my chin
Just watch me follow in footsteps of the fallen for the win
The tide's are sure to shift
If you catch my drift

I know you beat the one before me (pretty much immediately)
You may have won that time
and the time before that
and the time before that
and the time before that
and the time before that
and the time before that (and the time before that)
and the time before that (and the time before that)
and the time before that (and the time before that)
and the time before that (and the time before that)
...BUT NOT THIS TIME.

It's go time! Let's see what you got, Tin Man! I'm gonna crack you open like a peanut shell
Eat those two little nuts and throw the rest straight to—[SHOCK] OW! What was that?! OW! What the heck is that? Is that a Chest Launcher? Good lord, man, that's—OW! Hey, let go of my face fin thing! Ahhhhh...

Otachi! Kaiju - Category Four! This world is MINE!
I'm gonna raze that city
I'm gonna raze it to the grou—OW! Hey, what is that a Plasmacaster? Dude! You just tore off my acid sac! YO! You know what, fine—I don't even need a tail! IT WAS TOO BIG ANYWAY! Let's go for a little ride, you and me. I got you now—wha—a sword?! Dude, you can't just all of a sudden have a sword! You have to say that at the beginning! That's not fair! I didn't see this coming!!
Track Name: Joseph Scrimshaw & Kevin Murphy - Mister Suckface
Once there was a helium balloon
His head was white and round like the moon
If you sucked him, you’d sound like a loon

OHH BABY
OHH YEAH, It’s Mr. Suckface
Make me squeak, make me squeal
Make me speak just like a seal
OHH BABY
OHH YEAH, I’m your Suckface

Pop me with your pin, do it again
Deflate me then blow me up again
Tie me to a pole and suck from my hole

OHH BABY
OHH YEAH, It’s Mr. Suckface
Make me squeak, make me squeal
Make me speak just like a seal
OHH BABY
OHH YEAH, I’m your Suckface

Please please don’t you ever go away
Cause you know your place is on my face
Let me know when you need your next blow

OHH BABY
OHH YEAH, It’s Mr. Suckface
Make me squeak, make me squeal
Make me speak just like a seal
OHH BABY
OHH YEAH, I’m your Suckface

Copyright free guitar solo!

OHH BABY
OHH YEAH, It’s Mr. Suckface
Make me squeak, make me squeal
Make me speak just like a seal
OHH BABY
OHH YEAH, I’m your Suckface

One more time!

OHH BABY
OHH YEAH, It’s Mr. Suckface
Make me squeak, make me squeal
Make me speak just like a seal
OHH BABY
OHH YEAH, I’m your Suckface

So you can suck me!