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    Thanks for your support of the world's first stand-up comedy album with its own original soundtrack! If you have any questions, comments, or want to submit your own Flaw Fest inspired song you can visit the Flaw Fest page on josephscrimshaw.com.
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  • Compact Disc (CD) + Digital Album

    The same album but it exists in the PHYSICAL REALM. Features one CD for the comedy album and one CD for the music album, plus liner notes and bonus photos.

    Includes unlimited streaming of Flaw Fest via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
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I'm tasked with your assassination But I don't like confrontation I would much prefer a quiet hit & run But at combat I am cruddy and stabbing gets too bloody and it isn't sportsmanlike to use a gun Swords are really not my style Poison capsules take a while. Though the interaction's what I mostly dread But when my hand is at the ready and my arm is strong and steady I can chop you in the ass until you're dead And I'm like CHOP! CHOP! and the henchmen hit the floor when I go CHOP! CHOP! They won't be henching anymore Doesn't look the best But it moves me on my quest Don't act like you're not impressed You're under orders, and I get that but I'm bad at making chit chat It's not personal, you're stationed in my way I guess I could try to seduce you But that isn't what I'm used to And sexy spies are kind of a cliché I'm not troubled by the killing But I find I'm less than willing To avail myself of anybody's gaze I'm not a brute, I'm not a terrorist I'm just easily embarrassed And gunfire only adds to my malaise So I'm like CHOP CHOP and the baddies hit the ground when I'm like CHOP CHOP And they make the weirdest sound One part yodel, two parts scream Yet your partner doesn't seem To notice that you took one for the team When I'm like CHOP CHOP You can't see me when I squat So I go CHOP CHOP Might sound sexy, but it's not There's no technique or grace When I'm chopping your third base But I don't want to look you in the face.
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What would you do to make yourself invisible Undetectable and invincible What would you do to hide from your enemy Sneaking up behind with weaponry No one can hear you No one can hear you No one, No one No one can hear you What would it take to make the kill? Patience, accuracy and skill The ultimate element of surprise Crouching down on your thighs No one can hear you No one can hear you No one, No one No one can hear you Why would you slouch Hide behind the couch No one can hear you when you crouch
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WIFE HEAD FOLLOWING ME OUT THE DOOR WIFE HEAD DANCES OVER MY SHOULDER I DON'T ALWAYS APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU DO BUT WORDS YOU SAY WHEN YOU'RE NOT HERE ARE RINGING TRUE DON'T HOLD IT AGAINST ME, CAN'T ALWAYS LISTEN TO MY WIFE HEAD WIFE HEAD RIDING ON THE PASSENGER SIDE WIFE HEAD ON MY ROAD AND FREEWAY RIDES AND WHEN MY VEINS ARE BULGING IN A RIGHTEOUS RAGE SHE'S THE VOICE OF REASON BABY SHE'S MY SAGE THE BALMY BREEZE OF SPRING WHEN I'M A HURRICANE YOU SAVE ME WIFE HEAD DON'T EVER GET OUT OF THE CAR...SHE SAID WIFE HEAD HOW ABOUT ONE MORE GLASS OF WINE WIFE HEAD SHE REMEMBERS EACH LAST TIME THE CRAWLING IN THE YARD UNDER DIM STREET LIGHTS THE TILES ON MY FACE AND THE SPINNING WHITE ALL THE MORNINGS AFTER WHEN I'M NOT QUITE RIGHT COME LOVE ME WIFE HEAD WIFE HEAD HOVERS IN THE DARK OF NIGHT I GAZE INTO THE BRIGHT SCREEN LIGHT BABY IT'S JUST GEAR PORN, NOT THE REAL THING I THINK I'VE FOUND SOME GEAR WITH WHICH TO HAVE A FLING THINK OF ALL THE JOY THIS PILE OF STUFF WILL BRING WE'LL PUT IT…. SOMEWHERE DON'T WORRY WIFE HEAD I LOVE YOU WIFE HEAD
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Mutavore! Kaiju - Category Tres! Bringing you the End Times! I'm gonna raze that city I'm gonna raze it to the ground When I say "raze", you know I mean the "raze" where you don't lift it up Instead you, you knock it down Look, never mind. I'm gonna be a hurricane (with six eyes) I'm gonna be a big Apocalyptic jerk I'm gonna do the exact same moves the other kaijus do but this time it's gonna work It's all in my reach As I crawl through the breach You think a wall on the beach can keep me out The end is nigh And I'm the ending guy CHORUS I know you beat the one before me You may have won that time and the time before that and the time before that and the time before that and the time before that and the time before that (and the time before that) and the time before that (and the time before that) and the time before that (and the time before that) and the time before that (and the time before that) ...BUT NOT THIS TIME I'm not like all the other ones They were different And I'm not We may have had the same power, same will, same guts, same claws, same strength, same height, same weight, no weapons, same brain, even same DNA And the same game plan The difference is how we are different. Cos I don't have: My head ripped off a rocket in my butt my brains aren't floating in a lobster tank I still have teeth My legs aren't gone I'm not tied down to an aircraft carrier I can still breathe I'm not on fire my ribs aren't a strip mall in Hong Kong If you thought they were the ones to fear... you were WRONG. Let's proceed to begin I'm gonna lead with my chin Just watch me follow in footsteps of the fallen for the win The tide's are sure to shift If you catch my drift I know you beat the one before me (pretty much immediately) You may have won that time and the time before that and the time before that and the time before that and the time before that and the time before that (and the time before that) and the time before that (and the time before that) and the time before that (and the time before that) and the time before that (and the time before that) ...BUT NOT THIS TIME. It's go time! Let's see what you got, Tin Man! I'm gonna crack you open like a peanut shell Eat those two little nuts and throw the rest straight to—[SHOCK] OW! What was that?! OW! What the heck is that? Is that a Chest Launcher? Good lord, man, that's—OW! Hey, let go of my face fin thing! Ahhhhh... Otachi! Kaiju - Category Four! This world is MINE! I'm gonna raze that city I'm gonna raze it to the grou—OW! Hey, what is that a Plasmacaster? Dude! You just tore off my acid sac! YO! You know what, fine—I don't even need a tail! IT WAS TOO BIG ANYWAY! Let's go for a little ride, you and me. I got you now—wha—a sword?! Dude, you can't just all of a sudden have a sword! You have to say that at the beginning! That's not fair! I didn't see this coming!!
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Once there was a helium balloon His head was white and round like the moon If you sucked him, you’d sound like a loon OHH BABY OHH YEAH, It’s Mr. Suckface Make me squeak, make me squeal Make me speak just like a seal OHH BABY OHH YEAH, I’m your Suckface Pop me with your pin, do it again Deflate me then blow me up again Tie me to a pole and suck from my hole OHH BABY OHH YEAH, It’s Mr. Suckface Make me squeak, make me squeal Make me speak just like a seal OHH BABY OHH YEAH, I’m your Suckface Please please don’t you ever go away Cause you know your place is on my face Let me know when you need your next blow OHH BABY OHH YEAH, It’s Mr. Suckface Make me squeak, make me squeal Make me speak just like a seal OHH BABY OHH YEAH, I’m your Suckface Copyright free guitar solo! OHH BABY OHH YEAH, It’s Mr. Suckface Make me squeak, make me squeal Make me speak just like a seal OHH BABY OHH YEAH, I’m your Suckface One more time! OHH BABY OHH YEAH, It’s Mr. Suckface Make me squeak, make me squeal Make me speak just like a seal OHH BABY OHH YEAH, I’m your Suckface So you can suck me!

about

“I am glad that Joseph Scrimshaw has the power of thought and audible speech, or else this very funny album would not exist.”
-John Hodgman

FLAW FEST is a live comedy album full of fun comedy jokes about horrible human flaws PLUS a bonus album of awesome songs inspired by the comedy show.

The comedy album details all my most entertaining flaws: a sloth driven obsession to play bad James Bond video games, a stubborn need to fight with large animals, the idiocy to drink something called a Watermelon Shooter, the hubris to write a rock n’ roll song about a helium balloon, the mysterious need to watch The Phantom Menace on purpose, and much more. Plus a cameo by my pals Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy of RiffTrax!

The music album features new songs by Paul & Storm, Molly Lewis, Bill Corbett, The Sevateem, John Roderick, John Munson, The Doubleclicks, Kevin Murphy, Mike Phirman, The Dregs, and even me.

The album and the show mean a lot to me. The comedy show was first performed on Jonathan Coulton’s JoCoCruiseCrazy in February of 2013. Huge thanks to Jonathan and all the “Sea Monkeys” for the opportunity and great response.

The musicians on the cruise said nice things about the show and it made me think, “Hey, what if a bunch of musicians wrote songs inspired by the comedy show?”

In May of 2013, we launched a Kickstarter project to fund the recording of the comedy album and pay the musicians to write all the awesome songs. Gargantuan thanks to all who funded the album.

The comedy album was recorded live at The Bryant Lake Bowl in Minneapolis, Minnesota in September of 2013. Ginormous thanks to the staff of the Bryant Lake Bowl, the friendly laughing audiences, and the audience volunteers featured on the final album: my mean eggs wife Katie Sisneros, my big eggs daughter Justin Roggenbuck, and my extra eggs wife Eric Stephen.

Finally, UNFATHOMABLY LARGE thanks to my wife, partner, and co-producer of this album, Sara Stevenson “Wife Head” Scrimshaw.

I hope the comedy and the music makes you laugh, think, rock out, and soft rock out. But more than anything, I hope you'll have fun celebrating the idea that we're all flawed and that's okay. Stupidly, hilariously okay.

A Flawed Thanks,
Joseph Scrimshaw

“Listen, we all have our own ‘I french kissed a bear’ stories.
But Scrimshaw’s is really funny.”
-Jonathan Coulton

credits

released November 5, 2013

Comedy album written and performed by Joseph Scrimshaw.

Music by Paul & Storm, Molly Lewis, Bill Corbett, The Sevateem, John Roderick, John Munson, The Doubleclicks, Kevin Murphy, Mike Phirman, and The Dregs.

Comedy album recorded by Tom Garneau.
Comedy album edited and mixed by Andy Thompson.
Comedy and music album mastered by Greg Reierson.
Recorded live at the Bryant Lake Bowl in Minneapolis.
Cover photo by Craig VanDerSchaegen.
Album artwork designed by Joseph Scrimshaw and Matthew Foster.

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about

Joseph Scrimshaw Los Angeles, California

Joseph Scrimshaw is a comedian, writer, and squirrel enthusiast described by a fan on Twitter as "geek flavored." He's written for Adult Swim, RiffTrax, Screen Junkies, and more. He’s performed at SF SketchFest, Jonathan Coulton’s JoCoCruise, theaters, bars, and conventions across the country. He hosts Obsessed Podcast, co-hosts the ForceCenter Podcast Feed, and spends too much time on Twitter. ... more

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